A Loved Situation

Woman, what are you doing?
I can see you building a house you've already moved into.

That's not how it works,
you can't find yourself in a loved situation and scramble to fabricate your romance in time for bad weather.

I can see you, still peeling off the wallpaper of your last attempt at a constructed relationship,
where you had simply covered up the holes from the last attempt,
left with paste enough to just hold yourself together.

I know you're not bleeding anymore -
and that old house doesn't fit you at all
-but be careful about building a new one,
you're still on the same foundations

And you've rented other peoples hearts,
and people have rented yours,
unclean feet on your doorstep.
For a time.

And I know how much this house seems necessary,
safe, secure
and jeez, you deserve a roof over your head,

But do you know what you are building?
You're changing so fast.
And just because it will be good,
does not make it a natural fit.
Might not be the right one,

Might have cracks between roofing tiles where the storm can get in and no doors and windows
                                                     Don't forget doors and windows, 
                                                           you know you always do. 

Brother

And I shouted out to you, running through the night
                 Chasing the sparks from the bonfire light
Chasing shooting stars, chasing hopes, chasing wishes,
                 chasing the ephemeral twilight of time

We didn't know it then, did we?
    That our childhood melted.
That these days of
       ~football, chassies, sandcastle battles, flags~
fun
       ~with no consequences or responsibilities~
of freedom,
                  that they could fade,
like the sparks, scattered to the wind

We were close - for a time - for a few spins of the sun dial
you taught me to face a tackle head on,
to never pick a fight with someone bigger than me
         That words, are just words.
          But promises are promises
and that I should never doubt family

You set the bar high, and I grew tall to fill your shoes
        to follow your footsteps
I envy your independence, your strength and your lack of caution.
I envy your conviction in everything you do .

I hope you discover your passion,
and that the long meandering path set for you by life,
    that all the twists and turns
                               and set backs
                               and red herring choices
have taught you something valuable.


Brother, you and I have seen it all
                        and now you're tall and cry silently at our father's funeral
and hug me in a way that tries to deny how much we need each other,
but also cries it out,
 as we did,
              crying out to each other,
chasing sparks through the twilight.

dream net

I picture a day,
where my daughter will be
6 years old,
walking home from school,
telling me
about the world
she has discovered,
she has begun to understand,
about the boy that's her buddy,
who's made to hold her hand
in line up
and how it's always sweaty when they make a circle
and that he won't stop pulling her pig tails.

And I'll smile and nod and think
how times will change
And how I'll see it all,
I'll tell her about the world,
And how big it is,
I'll tell her ' her life is a ship'
and she was made to alter its course,
not ride upon the waves provided.

I will say,
"Petal, it may seem like age is to do with years,
and life is too long,
but let me tell you,
age is to do with fears
                                  and joys
and life is too short to fit all the possible experiences
it offers us
into.

So don't waste time,
don't be someone else,
but don't be afraid to be the you you want to be tomorrow,
not the you you said you'd be yesterday. 

She will hunger for discovery
and tasting the saltiness of life, it's flavour, and its tears,
and feeling the smack of saying something you can't take back
and hunting the love of a boy who's bad with a heart of gold
and finally seeing that the nice guy, who pulled you're pig tails in primary school is actually...perfect
and having life.
Of demanding all that life can give you. 

She will face the world with an open heart,
and also open eyes,
she will jump into puddles with both feet,
dive off the highest diving board with no fear,
but if she doesn't want to,
she doesn't have to,
we can try again tomorrow.

"Oh trust me sweetheart, life will hurt." I'll say -
I will never try to convince it shouldn't
or that she's fine, when she's not
or that she needs to be strong for me,
because,
     well,
           that's my job.

I will be there for her first heart break,
         for the first loss,
             for every failure
                     and tragedy in between.
I will never ask her to be something she's not.

I want honesty from her, 

which means honesty from me. 

She will go through a period of time,
convinced that she's the only one who understands
racism
and refugee rights,
and environmental issues,
and how terrible war is
and how politicians are all liars mum,
and that in her lifetime
she will solve it all,
I will encourage her to chase her dreams with a butterfly net
and not a dream catcher.
You want to change something, I'll say
Go get it,

I will teach her to cook,
I will encourage her to teach me -
there will be no recipe books in our house,
(maybe just a few).
I will teach her, through food,
That amazing beautiful things can occur through planning,
but, it is only through gathering experience
and intuition
and throwing away the recipe of life
that unplanned miracles
and happy accidents
can occur. 

I don't want her to stand by things
she doesn't want to
doesn't believe anymore,
because as important as constancy is in love,
people change, and grow,
and I won't always know what the right decision is for her.

I will always be telling her, 

"Honey, your life is a maze of decision and choices,
only you can make and
only you can fully appreciate the consequences of a bad decision
and the greatness of a good decision
and as such,
I will help you in any way I can,
whether it's giving advice
or staying 'mum',
fixing something broken
or polishing your spirit
until you are ready to face the world again."

She will never have to hide
1. Being sick,
2. Being heart broken,
3. Getting a tatoo or
4. Changing her mind,
from me. 

And because of all these things,
when she falls down,
she will be willing to ask for help to stand up, 

because of all these things,
she will have high expectations for what she wants from life,
and her friends
and lovers
and the world around her
and she will demand greatness,
because no one has ever convinced her it doesn't exist.
And even when the world is confusing
and bad and inconsistent,
she will see that some people are permanent
and will always love her
and that everything will be all right. 

Fickle fickle universe

Clarity. Knowledge. Power. Freedom.

Carry me home. Stare at me. Love me.

When I see these coffee club, no good, nice suits, flat shoes, loyalty card holding, small children ignored on the side, licking cappacino foam off their spoons and working, and living and loving and breathing in the nature of life. The juice of it. So simple. So annoyingly and frustratingly out of reach.

Happiness, so far out of personal control and so close to pretending to be.

Laugh.

At the fickle random uncontrollable. At the universe, really. At all of time and space.